


Say It Without Words

by MoonlitMusings



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Flower Language, M/M, bit of angst with a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-09-26 13:40:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9900194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlitMusings/pseuds/MoonlitMusings
Summary: Talking to people is hard, and apologizing doubly so. Juno's always had a quick wit, but that's not much help when you're trying to be sincere. But if he can't find the right words, maybe he can say it without them.





	

It had been almost a year. It would be a year, the next month. The anniversary of the day I walked out of that hotel room, and out of his life. I’d been doing my best not to think about it. About him. Been doing a pretty good job, too. As long as I had a case to work on, any case, I did fine. And when I didn’t, well, that’s what bars are for, right? Drinking, fights, and one night stands: everything you need to forget about your past and the people in it. As long as you have enough creds and little enough self-respect, you can keep that up for a while. Forever, even. But there always has to be a wrench thrown into the plan. And for me, that wrench came in the form of two bright eyes staring into mine in disbelief in a hotel lobby.

“Juno?”

“Nureyev?” I wanted to ask why he was there. Why was he back in the city, hell, back on the planet? What was he doing? How was he? Instead, what came out was, “What are you doing here?” He shifted his surprise into that carefully neutral mask he was so fond of, but I could see the corners of his mouth twitch down and the slight pursing of his lips as he held back a frown.

“I’m here on business, actually.” I snorted.

“Business? Is that what they’re calling it these days?”

“It’s what I do for a living, isn’t it?”

“Fair enough.” There was a long moment where neither of us said anything. I could feel the weight of that silence, an unpleasant feeling coiling in my stomach and a tenseness creeping through my shoulders. The seconds felt like they stretched out into minutes, until I couldn’t take it anymore. “I... I thought I wouldn’t... you said...” My tongue felt heavy, trying to get the words out. Luckily, he caught the gist.

“And I meant it. At least at the time. I didn’t intend to come back. But I heard about an... opportunity in the area, and I figured the city was big enough that the chances of us running into each other were rather slim.”

“Yeah, well, you forgot that the circles we run in have a lot of overlap. Would that “opportunity” you heard about have anything to do with the underground auction Correa’s running this weekend?” His eyes narrowed.

“I’m afraid I can’t say.”

“No? I’ll take that as a yes, then. I wouldn’t risk it, if I were you. The PD already knows about it and they’re setting up a sting.” At this, he chuckled and flashed me a smirk. It wasn’t the kind I was used to, though. It felt... wrong. Put-on. It was the same familiar quirk of the mouth, but it didn’t have any of the feeling behind it. Didn’t quite reach his eyes. The feeling in my stomach got worse.

“Why, detective, who says I was planning on participating?” It took a second for what he was implying to sink in.

“Really, Nureyev? Stealing from Correa? That’s a real easy way to get yourself killed.”

“Only if they find out who did it, detective. Besides, I fail to see how it’s any of your business.” That one hurt like a punch to the gut. Mostly because he was right. I gave up my right to have a say in his life months ago.

“...It’s not,” I finally managed. “You’re right. It isn’t any of my business what kind of scheme you’ve come up with this time. Just... be careful, would you? I don’t wanna hear about your body turning up in a gutter somewhere.” His look softened, just for a moment, but that moment was enough to finish hooking me all over again. I had to get out of there.

“I will be.”

“Good. It was, um... well...”

“A pleasure, as always, detective.”

“Yeah. Yeah. See you around, Nureyev.” We went our separate ways, him to the elevator, and me out the door and to the office, where I immediately took the bottle of scotch out of my desk drawer and started drinking. Nearly a goddamn year of trying to put him out of my mind, and it was all undone in a matter of minutes. I tried to drink enough to dull the aching, but it didn’t work. The regret had hit me like a tidal wave, and I was doing my best not to drown in it. I wanted him back. I wanted it so badly it hurt. I wanted him to smile at me again and mean it. I wanted to go back in time and never leave that dingy hotel room. I wanted to undo every second of pain that had left that coldness in his eyes. And I knew I didn’t deserve any of it. I had made my choice, and now I had to live with it.

 

 

It was almost an hour later when Rita came in. I must’ve gotten back right at the start of her lunch break. She took one look at me sitting at my desk, bottle in hand, and walked over.

“Alright, Mistuh Steel, what happened?”

“What do you mean?”

“You were doin’ just fine this morning, and now you’re practically laying on your desk and halfway through that bottle.”

“A quarter of the way. It was already a quarter empty.”

“A quarter of a bottle of scotch is still more than you usually have when you’re here. You only pull that out when you’re having a really rough day. So, what happened?”

“Nothing, Rita. Nothing you need to worry about, at least.”

“Well, I’m gonna worry anyway, so you might as well tell me what it is.” I sighed. I hated it when she got like this. But I knew if I didn’t tell her she’d just keep hounding me for the rest of the week.

“It’s... I... I ran into him again.”

“Him? Him who?”

“You know. Rex.” Her eyes got so wide I was scared for a minute they might pop out of her skull. She actually gasped.

“OOOOOOHHHH! _Him._ Oh. My. God. Mistuh Steel, you gotta tell me everything! What did he say? What did _you_ say? I thought you said he was going off planet! Oh my god, you gotta tell me.” It was moments like this that I regretted telling Rita about Nureyev. But then, I didn’t really have much of a choice when she looked up the hospital security cams and saw us together after I’d refused to tell her what had happened when I’d gotten back.

“He was. I guess he heard about Correa’s auction and decided that much art in one place was too good to resist.”

“Ok, but did you two talk it out? Did he seem happy to see you? Mad? C’mon, get to the good stuff!”

“Goddammit, Rita! This is my life, not one of your streams.”

“I know, I know, but it’s just all so dramatic! And you seem really crazy about this guy Mistuh Steel, and you were so sad about it all for so long when you got back, and then you were doing ok and now you saw him and you’re down all over again. And it’s just like that episode of Lost in Love when Katie Marlow saw her ex again and then they both got all mopey about it, but then they got locked in this room together and they ended up talking things out and by the time they escaped they were back together again and they were so much happier, and I just think if you took some time to apologize and talk it out with him then you might be able to get back together and you could be happier again ‘cuz I really just want you to be happy, Mistuh Steel. I hate seeing you like this.” I sighed.

“You think I don’t want to talk to him? You think I don’t want to beg for forgiveness? But it’s not...”

“It’s not what?”

“I... it wouldn’t matter. Besides, he’s better off without me, anyways.”

“You sure about that, boss? ‘Cause I think that’s somethin’ for him to decide, ain’t it?”

“I... ugh...” I took another swig from the bottle. “Look, even if I was gonna try to apologize, what the hell would I say? "Hey! Good seeing you earlier. Not awkward at all. Sorry about walking out on you all those months ago after promising to run away with you. I swear it won't happen again. How about going out for dinner and giving me a second chance that I don't deserve?" ” Rita stared at me a moment and blinked.

"...Well obviously you shouldn't put it like that." I sighed again.

"Look, I appreciate the thought, Rita, but there's nothing I could say that would fix this. Even if there was, I’d never be able to find the right words." Rita looked thoughtful for a minute.

"Well then, maybe you should say it without words."

"What?"

"Say it without words! There's lots a ways to say things without actually saying ‘em. There's songs and pictures and- oh! I've got it! You could send him flowers!"

“Flowers? I’m not just sending him flowers, Rita.”

“Why not? You can say a whole lot with flowers.”

“Like what?”

“There’s a whole language! I just saw somethin’ about it on a stream the other day. Roses for love, daisies for innocence, here, I’ll show ya!” She dragged me back to her desk and sat down. A few blindingly fast keystrokes and she’d pulled up a website with a list of more kinds of flowers than I knew existed, along with meanings for each of them. “Look, you wanna apologize, right? So, hmm... maybe some Adonis, that’s “sorrowful remembrance”... some bramble, says here that’s for remorse... maybe some chervil for sincerity, you could practically send him a whole letter without havin’ to write a word!” I looked at the screen, scrolling through the list. There were an awful lot of flowers with some weirdly specific meanings. And then I got to dahlias.

 _Staying graceful under pressure, especially in challenging situations._  
_Drawing upon inner strength to succeed._  
_Traveling and making a major life change in a positive way._  
_Commitment to another person or a certain ideal._

I must have stood there staring at the screen longer than I thought, because Rita tapped me on the shoulder.

“Boss? You ok?”

“Huh? Yeah, I...” Even then. Right from the goddamn beginning. There’s no way this was a coincidence. This kind of thing was right up his alley. Even then, he thought so damn much of me. And what the hell had I ever done to deserve it? How had he seen all this in me? How much of it did he still see? “Can you send me the link to this website?” Rita’s smile took up half her face.

“Of course, boss! Does that mean you’re gonna send him some?”

“I’ll think about it. I’m not sure where he’s staying though. I think he might be at the Hartwick but I don’t know what-” Rita was typing in an instant.

“You know what alias he’s using?”

“No but-”

“No problem. Security cams it is. And I’ll pull up the list, just in case.” While she hacked into their video feed, I decided to scroll through the registered names. There was one that caught my eye.

“Hey Rita, there any cams with a view of room 552?”

“Lemme see... hmm, yup! Right here.”

“Go back to a couple hours ago and start from there.” She did, and started fast-forwarding through the tape. Plenty of people walked down the hall, but only one walked through the door of the room. A tall, lean figure that I would recognize anywhere.

“That’s him, right?!” Rita was practically bouncing in her seat.

“Yeah, that’s him alright.” She looked over at the list of names.

“Arthur Cristal. Is that one he’s used before?”

“No, but I’ve heard enough of them to see a pattern.”

“Soooooooo... you’re sending him a bouquet, right?”

“I said I’ll think about it. Don’t you have work you should be doing?”

“That depends, you find anything for me to look into when you went out earlier?”

“Not as much as I’d like.” I was relieved to be talking about the case again. Gave me a chance to focus on something else for a bit. Unfortunately, there really wasn’t all that much to tell, and it wasn’t long before she was typing away on the computer, and I had to find some other way to keep myself occupied. I went back to my office and closed the door, dropping into my chair. I sat for a few minutes before finally pulling up the page Rita had sent me. I scrolled through, some of the flowers catching my eye. Rita had been right, I could send an entire letter without writing down a thing. I could send Nureyev a bouquet of flowers expressing everything I felt about him. About what had happened. I could spill my guts and... what? Hope he called me? Hope he came by? Hope he accepted my apology and welcomed me back with open arms? No. That was ridiculous.

 _Staying graceful under pressure, especially in challenging situations._  
_Drawing upon inner strength to succeed._  
_Traveling and making a major life change in a positive way._  
_Commitment to another person or a certain ideal._

_Commitment to another person._

He’d shown that. He’d shown his commitment and trust and... other feelings... in spades. If nothing else, I owed him some kind of closure. Even if I didn’t hear back from him, even if I never saw him again after today, I owed him an apology. I started making a list. It took me a good two hours to finally get it right, but eventually I had something I thought would get my message across.

My next problem was finding a shop that either grew or could synthesize everything I wanted. It took some searching, but eventually I found one, and placed an order to be delivered to “Arthur Cristal’s” room.

Adonis: sorrowful remembrance  
Purple hyacinth: I’m sorry  
Chervil: sincerity  
Dark geranium: melancholy  
Pink peony: shame  
Almond blossom: indiscretion  
Daphne mezereum: desire to please  
Dahlia: in this case, a signature

Once the order was placed, all I could do was hope he understood.

 

 

It was two days later when I heard back. I honestly hadn’t expected a response, but I should’ve known that if he was gonna reply, it would be like this. There was a knock on the office door that morning, and when Rita opened it, we were greeted by a guy in a uniform holding a bouquet of flowers.

“I’ve got a delivery for a Dahlia?” I almost fell jumping out of my seat.

“That’s... those are for me.” I took the flowers and tipped the guy, and the door hadn’t been closed for two seconds before Rita was on me.

“Oh my god! Mistuh Steel, you actually sent him the flowers?!?! And he sent some back?!?!?!”

“Looks like it.”

“Who’s Dahlia?”

“It was an alias he picked for me during the... yeah.”

“Ooooh, ok. Oh, like a special secret between you two. That’s so sweet! And the flowers are so pretty! What do they mean?”

“The hell should I know? I don’t even know what most of these are.”

“Oh! You want me to help you look up-”

“No! No, I’m fine. I can figure it out myself.”

“Awwww, but Mistuh Steel!”

“I’ve got it, Rita.”

“Fine. But if it’s somethin’ really romantic you gotta tell me, ok?”

“Sure. Whatever.” I rushed back to my office and closed the door. It nearly took me half the damn day to figure out what all of the flowers were and what they meant. By the time I’d figured it all out, I’d just about gone through the rest of my scotch trying to calm myself down.

Betony: surprise  
Evening primrose: inconsistency  
Dark pink rose: gratitude  
Striped carnation: maybe, indecision  
Yellow chrysanthemum: slighted love  
Petunia: resentment, anger  
Red rose: love  
Chickweed: rendezvous  
Jacob’s ladder: come down to me

The message was clear. He hadn’t expected to hear from me. He appreciated the apology, but he was still upset. Still angry and resentful and betrayed. But he was still... And he wanted to meet. He wanted me to come to his hotel.

“Way to go, Steel.” I took a drink, finishing off the bottle. “What the hell am I gonna do now?”

 

 

When I went into the office the next morning, I still hadn’t decided whether or not I was going to go see him again. I’d been up most of the night trying to decide, and I still wasn’t any closer to an answer. Rita was already there when I got in, as usual, but instead of lounging at the front desk, she looked like she was ready to leave.

“Morning Mistuh Steel!”

“Morning, Rita. What’s going on?”

“Got a call about a lead on Mrs. Lee’s case. Apparently someone saw Jimmy sneaking around downtown. I figured you’d wanna go check it out.”

“Really? That’s great! But why do you look like you’re ready to go?”

“I thought I could come with ya! I figured I could drive and we could pick up some breakfast and coffee on the way. My treat.” Now I was suspicious.

“Why?”

“What? Can’t I do something nice for ya? After the other day, I thought you could use a little pick-me-up.” Well, that explained it. I didn’t really want Rita’s pity, but I was also too tired to pass up the offer of free coffee.

“...Yeah, sure, alright. Come on.” She smiled and grabbed her purse.

“Great! Let’s go!”

We stopped at a nice little bakery a little ways away for breakfast, and I had to admit, getting some warm food and decent coffee into my system made me feel a little less on-edge. Then we were back in the car. We were already downtown when I started to get suspicious again.

“Rita? Where did you say Jimmy was spotted, again?”

“Oh, not too far from here.”

“Right. And who saw him?”

“Oh, um, it was... a... friend of a friend. Yeah.”

“Uh-huh. Rita, where the hell are you taking me?”

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, Rita. Just answer the question.” She glanced nervously at me before looking back to the road.

“Now, before I do, you gotta promise you won’t be mad at me.” Shit. That was never a good sign.

“Rita-”

“I’m just doin’ this for your own good, Mistuh Steel. I know you well enough to know that you never woulda done this on your own. So, I figured I’d give you a little push is all.” We pulled up in front of the Hartwick, and it clicked.

“Rita, what the fucking hell?!”

“I’m sorry boss! It’s just, I found this this morning and, well, it’s like I said, ain’t it? You never woulda come here if I hadn’t brought you.” She pulled a piece of paper out of her purse. It was what I’d written all the flower meanings on the night before.

“What the hell were you doing in my office?”

“Just tidying up like usual! It’s one of the things you pay me for, remember? I swear I wasn’t trying to snoop.”

“Fine. What I don’t pay you for is to interfere with my personal life!”

“‘Course you don’t! That’s what friends are for. I care about you, Mistuh Steel, and I know you care about him. I wasn’t about to let you pass this up. Now go talk to him.”

“No. No way. I can’t go in there.”

“Yes you can!”

“I can’t!”

“You can and you will.”

“Says who?”

“Says me. I’m not gonna let you do this to yourself, Mistuh Steel. I’ve seen you pass up good things too many times. I’m not gonna let you do it again.”

“Don’t you get it?! Even if I did go in there, even if he did want me back, even if we did give it a shot, it would never work out, anyway!”

“Maybe. Or maybe not. But like Frannie always says, you can’t know until you try. You gotta try, Mistuh Steel. You’ll never forgive yourself if you don’t.”

“I’ll never forgive myself if I do.”

“You’re going in there and talking to him.”

“Or what?”

“Or I’ll clear all the booze out of the office. And your apartment.” I paused, glaring at her.

“You wouldn’t.”

“I would.”

“I’ll buy more.”

“And I’ll toss that too.”

“You really wanna deal with me sober?”

“I really want you to go into that hotel.” We stared at each other for a long moment. Then I sighed.

“I never should’ve hired you.”

“Well you did, and now you’re stuck with me. Now come on.”

“What?”

“I’m coming in, too. I gotta walk you to the door to make sure you don’t chicken out.”

“No. No way. You’re waiting right here.”

“Nope. I ain’t dumb, Mistuh Steel. I know you too well to let you go in there alone. Now come on.” She got out of the car and came over to my side, opened my door, and practically yanked me out.

“Fine! Fine! I’m coming. Holy shit, Rita. You start working out with Frannie again?”

“Oh, you noticed?”

“I noticed you almost dislocating my shoulder just now, yeah.” She dragged me in through the front door and over to the elevator, and didn’t let go of my arm until the doors slid shut. It wasn’t a particularly relaxing elevator ride. By the time we got to the fifth floor and walked to Nureyev’s room, I felt sick to my stomach, and would’ve killed someone for a drink. Rita looked at me.

“Well? You gonna knock, or do I gotta do that for you too?” I sighed, raised a hand, and froze.

“I- I can’t do this, Rita.”

“Yes you can, boss.”

“No, I can’t. Not after what I did to him.”

“Well, that’s too bad, because you’re already here. And Oh! Look at that.” She knocked on the door. “I accidentally already knocked. Sorry about that, boss. My hand slipped.”

“Goddammit, Rita! You don’t get it! I can’t-” The door opened, and there he was. “...do this.”

“Hello, Juno. And...” He looked confused. “It’s Rita, isn’t it?”

“Hello, Mistuh Glass. Good to see you again.”

“The pleasure is mine. Though I must admit, I wasn’t expecting Juno to bring company.”

“Oh, he didn’t. I brought him. You can thank me later.” She turned back to me with a smile. “You two have fun now! I’ll be out in the car if you need me.” She turned and walked back toward the elevator, looking way too pleased with herself. I took a deep breath, and turned back to Nureyev.

“You got my message,” he said.

“And you got mine.” He nodded.

“I hadn’t expected to hear from you.”

“I know. I just... I... I felt bad, about how I... I figured I owed you an apology, if nothing else. I didn’t think you’d...”

“I didn’t think I would either, honestly. But, here we are. Would... would you care to come in?” I nodded, and he stood aside to let me by. Hearing the door close behind us, I had to fight the urge to run right back out again. “You know, you didn’t have to come if you didn’t want to.” I turned to look at him.

“What?”

“Rita said that she brought you here. If you didn’t want to come-”

“No, I... I did. I mean, I didn’t, but I did.” He looked at me, confused.

“Care to elaborate?”

“Not really?” He raised an eyebrow. I sighed. “I... I don’t know, Nureyev. I wanted to see you again, but I didn’t. I want to talk, but I don’t. I just... I don’t know.” He was quiet for a minute, thinking.

“If you want to leave, Juno, you can. I certainly won’t stop you. I... I simply wanted an opportunity to ask you why.”

“Why?”

“Why? Why did you leave? Why did you send the flowers? Why spend the night if you weren’t going to stay?” That last question caught me off guard.

“Who said I hadn’t planned on staying?”

“Juno, please. I had held out hope at the time, but I think we both know you didn’t ask me to take you to the Hyperion City clinic rather than Olympus Mons just because of the nostalgia.” I looked away. He was right, of course. I’d wanted to go with him, but I hadn’t actually planned to. I couldn’t.

“You-” I walked over to the other side of the room and let myself flop down into the armchair that was there. “You’re right.”

“Juno, I know you- wait, what?”

“You’re right. I wanted to believe I’d go with you too, but I knew I couldn’t. I meant what I said in the tomb, but I didn’t think...” I didn’t hear him walk over to me, but I could hear it when he sat on the edge of the bed.

“You didn’t think...?”

“I didn’t exactly expect to make it out alive, alright?” I snapped. “I expected that bomb to rip me to pieces, just like it did Miasma. So when it didn’t I, I don’t know. I didn’t know what to do. I... I panicked, I guess.”

“Are you saying you were more afraid of running away with me than you were of dying?”

“No! I- I mean, maybe? Damn it, this is why I didn’t want to come.”

“What? Because you knew you would have to actually talk about your feelings like an adult for once? You can’t hide behind alcohol and sarcasm forever, Juno. You can’t just keep running away.”

“Oh yeah? It’s been working pretty well for me so far!” I looked at him, and damn, that was a mistake. He looked angry, of course, but there was so much... concern in his eyes. Concern and pain and how could he still be looking at me like that?

“Has it? Has it really?” I looked away.

“It’s kept me from having to have conversations like this, hasn’t it? Served its purpose well enough.” Nureyev sighed.

“Juno, if you don’t want to talk, then why did you come?”

“I... I don’t know! I... fuck. _This_ is why I left.”

“Because you can’t stand talking to me?”

“Because we’re not even together and I’m still fucking this up!” There was a few seconds of silence. I looked over. He was staring at me, wide-eyed, mouth open like he wanted to say something, but he didn’t know what.

“Juno...”

“What?! You wanted an answer, so there it is.” I couldn’t sit still anymore. I stood and started pacing. “I left because I knew I was gonna fuck it up eventually. I wanted it, Nureyev. I wanted that life with you. I wanted to run off together and see all the stars and planets and stay in fancy hotels and have great adventures every day and great sex every night and to wake up next to you every morning, but it wasn’t gonna work. It was _never_ gonna work. Because things like that don’t work out for me. People don’t get storybook endings where they ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. People like me doubly so. And goddammit, as much as I hated walking out that door, it was better than watching it all fall apart because once again, I couldn’t keep my shit together. I hurt people, Nureyev. It’s what I do. I touch things, and they fall apart. And you deserve so much better than that.” I leaned my forehead against the wall, bracing myself with one arm, breathing hard. I tried to steady my shaking hands, now curled into fists. My nails bit into my palms, the pain distracting me from the mess in my head. That is, until I felt a hand on my shoulder. I didn’t turn around. I didn’t want to see the pity that had to be written all over his face. Poor Juno, always such a fuck-up. I heard him take a breath, and tried to brace myself for whatever he was going to say next.

“Juno... you complete idiot.” I blinked. What? I turned. Instead of pitying, he looked... annoyed?

“What?”

“You heard me. You, Juno Steel, are an idiot. First of all, _never_ assume that you know what I want and need better than I do. What I do and do not deserve is for me to decide. Not you. Do you understand?” I nodded sheepishly, shame replacing some of my shock. “Good. Second of all, _of course_ life is never going to be all sunshine, roses and champagne. _Of course_ problems are going to arise. That’s the way life _is_. The key is to enjoy the good things while you can, and when problems _do_ arise, as they always will, you _work through them._ You _talk them out_. You figure out ways to _fix_ whatever is wrong so you can _keep enjoying those nice things._ Do problems arise sometimes that cannot be fixed? Yes. It’s unfortunate, but it does happen. But, you’ll never _know_ whether or not a problem can be solved if you _quit_ before you’ve even _tried_! You can make all the excuses you want, Juno, but the universe isn’t out to get you, nor are you doomed to failure in every effort you undertake. The only thing holding you back is yourself. It’s not a fun thing to hear, but you’re never going to get anywhere if you don’t accept that.”

He turned and walked back towards the bed, facing away from me. I stayed right where I was, frozen. I didn’t know what to think. How the hell was I supposed to respond to that? I don’t know how long we were both silent for. It was probably minutes, but it felt like hours. I got the feeling Nureyev was trying to collect himself as much as I was. Finally, he turned back to me. His expression was softer, the annoyance fading into tired exasperation.

“Juno, I...” He took a deep breath. “I love you. I’m furious with you, but after all this time, after everything, I still love you. And although I don’t think I could do it right away, I... I think with a little bit of time, I would be willing to try again. But only if you can learn to actually open up. To tell me how you feel without the threat of death looming over you. To take responsibility for things by actually trying to fix them rather than running away and drowning your guilt in alcohol and fist fights. And I would be willing to help you with that. Happy to, even. But only if you actually put in the effort.” He walked towards me slowly, like he was afraid I was going to run away. I might have, if I hadn’t still been frozen to the spot in shock. He stopped in front of me, close enough that I could smell his cologne. God, I’d missed that smell. It had no right to smell like coming home, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t. “The choice is yours, Juno. What do you say?”

My mind was running a hundred miles a minute. I didn’t know what to say. My thoughts were going by too fast for me to pick out any words. My breath started coming fast, and I could hear my blood rushing in my ears. It was too much. It was all too much. I closed my eye, trying to focus.

“I... I don’t... I don’t know. I... I don’t know if I can.” I cursed my voice for breaking on the last word. I could feel hot tears starting to slide down my cheek, my throat growing tight. I tried to take a breath, but only ended up choking in a sob. I hated that I was crying. I hated that I was crying in front of him. But I couldn’t stop. Then, suddenly, there was a warm hand cupping my face, a gentle thumb wiping away the tears. Nureyev must have stepped closer, because suddenly I could feel the heat radiating off of him.

“Juno... My dear, sweet detective...” His voice was quiet, his tone as warm and gentle as the hand on my cheek. “I’m not asking if you can. I’m asking if you’ll try.”

“I... I...” I choked out another sob. Slowly, he wrapped his arms around me, and I let him. I didn’t have the energy to fight or pull away anymore. He guided me over to the bed, sitting us both down on the edge of it. He pulled me into a hug, my head resting against his shoulder, one of his hands coming up to run through my hair.

“Shhh... it’s alright, love. Take your time. You don’t have to answer right now.” It felt so nice, being in his arms again. The gentle warmth of him surrounding me, the casual intimacy of his fingers in my hair, the comforting scent of him... I wanted this. I wanted this every damn day. But even with what he said, I still wasn’t sure. I always messed things up. I always failed the people I cared about. That’s just how it worked. Yet here he was: still loving me, still caring about me, offering a second chance that I had done nothing to deserve, saying that he honestly believed we could make this work. That it wasn’t doomed from the start, just by virtue of having me involved. I didn’t know if I could believe him, but dammit, I wanted to. It was a few minutes before I got enough control over myself to stop crying. When I finally managed to stop sobbing with every breath, Nureyev spoke again.

“I realize this is a lot to think about, Juno. I understand if you can’t answer right away, or don’t want to.”

“No, I- I know... I know what I want. I just...” The hand in my hair stilled, and I could feel Nureyev tense against me.

“And what do you want?” I looked up at him. His expression was wary, but I swore there was a spark of hope in his eyes.

“You. I’ve always wanted you. I just...” I looked away again, and swallowed. “I don’t... I don’t want to lose you. Can’t lose what you never had you to begin with.”

“And what makes you think you’ll lose me?” I shrugged.

“I don’t know. I just... I can’t stop thinking about you looking at me sometime down the road and realizing you made a mistake. I can’t... I couldn’t take that.” The hand in my hair slid down to cup my chin, and Nureyev turned my head so I was looking at him. His face had gone from wary to determined.

“I can’t make any guarantees about the future, Juno. No one can. But consider this: you’re afraid that you’ll do something unforgivable and drive me away, yes?” I nodded. “But you’ve already done something you believed to be unforgivable, leaving me alone in that hotel room, and yet here I am. I’ve seen you at your best and your worst, Juno. I’ve seen you high on the thrill of a case, and broken down from weeks of torture. And I’m still here. Wary, perhaps. Still angry and hurt. But just as in love with you as ever. I know what I’m getting into, love. And unless you want me to, I’m not going anywhere.”

I couldn’t think of any words, so I decided to take Rita’s advice and say it without them. Before I had the chance to lose my nerve, I leaned up and kissed him. It was only a moment before he was kissing me back, his hands holding me to him more tightly. His lips were even softer than I remembered. It was only a few seconds, but god, it felt like an eternity. When I finally pulled away and looked at him, his eyes were still closed, and his lips were parted, like he was still lost in the kiss. Then his eyes fluttered open, and my chest ached at how bright they were.

“Promise?” I murmured.

“I promise,” he replied softly. He glanced down at my lips and back up to my eye, and leaned in for another kiss. I gripped at his shirt, and couldn’t help but moan when his tongue flicked against my lips. I opened my mouth gladly, thrilled and relieved to be relearning the feel and taste of him. He nipped at my bottom lip and _fuck,_ I’d nearly forgotten what those damn teeth of his did to me. When we broke away the second time, we were both breathing hard. Nureyev’s pupils were blown as he leaned his forehead against mine, and his cheeks were flushed. I probably didn’t look much different. We stayed there for a while, breathing in each other’s air, until we had both stopped panting.

“...So, what now?” I finally managed to ask.

“Well, that depends on what you mean by “now”. Early tomorrow morning, I’m leaving for Venus so I can be far away by the time Correa or anyone else notices that those are missing”. He nodded towards what was clearly a stack of several paintings, covered with a cloth in the corner of the room, that I hadn’t noticed before. “However, after, oh, probably a week or so, my schedule is open, and it will be much safer for me to return, if you would like me to.”

“I would.” He smiled at me, a real smile this time, and I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen something so beautiful.

“I’m glad. In the longer-term, I don’t expect you to come away with me, and we both know I can’t stay indefinitely. However, I believe we might be able to strike a balance that works for both of us, which we can discuss when I get back. As for the more immediate future-” He was interrupted by my comms going of. I swore, then saw it was Rita and answered it.

“What is it?”

“Well hello to you too, boss. How’s it going up there?”

“Rita, I really hope for your sake you didn’t call just to ask me that.”

“Jeeze, grumpy, grumpy. Does that mean it isn’t going well or it is?” She gasped. “Am I _interrupting_ something?”

“Rita, I swear to god, if you don’t tell me why you called-”

“Alright! Alright! Sorry. I didn’t want to interrupt, but we got an actual call from Mrs. Lee about her case. She said it’s urgent.” I sighed.

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

“Dammit. And knowing her it actually is. Alright, I’ll be down in a minute.”

“You sure, boss? I’m sure it can wait a few minutes if you need time to get yourself decent.”

“Rita!” She giggled.

“See you soon boss.” I groaned as I hung up.

“I take it in the more immediate future, you’ll be going back to the office.”

“Yeah. Apparently a client called in with some important info about a case. I’m really sorry. I wish-” Nureyev cut me off with a wave of his hand.

“No need to worry about it, darling. These things happen. If you like, you’re more than welcome to come back later, though I will be leaving for the transport station around 4:00 am.” I sighed again.

“Well, given how this case has been going, I probably won’t be done till late tonight.” Nureyev looked sad for a moment, before pulling me in for another kiss.

“In that case,” he murmured, his breath ghosting over my lips, “I very much look forward to seeing you in a week.” It took me a moment to collect myself, the closeness of him taking my breath away.

“Yeah, I’ll um, see you then. You can, um, feel free to just stop by my apartment, when you get back.”

“Are you sure?” I shrugged.

“Why not? I’d offer you a key, but...” I smirked, and he laughed. I could spend all day listening to that laugh. I felt myself being drawn in again, and I knew if I didn’t leave soon, I’d be there a lot longer than a few minutes. I pulled away reluctantly, standing up. “Alright, I really should get going.” He smiled gently, and followed me to the door.

“Yes, I suppose you should. I’m glad you came, Juno. I’m glad we ran into each other again.” I paused and turned back to him, and the warmth and... relief in his eyes, I had to work to keep myself from crying again.

“Yeah, me too. I... I missed you, you know.” He came forward, wrapping me in his arms.

“I missed you too.” We stayed there for a moment, and I tried to memorize the feeling of him. I knew he was coming back, but suddenly a week seemed like a long time to wait. I felt him press a kiss to the top of my head, and looked up at him, only to have another gentle kiss pressed to my lips, before he stepped away. “I’ll see you soon, Juno.”

“See you soon, Nureyev.” Walking out that door had gone from the first thing I wanted to do to the last, but I had to. People always joke about how being self-employed means you get to do whatever you want, but it doesn’t mean that you can actually ignore your job. Still, the trip back down to the car wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been. I didn’t want to leave because I had wanted to spend more time with Nureyev, not because I didn’t think I’d see him again. This time, I had something to look forward to. And when I came home one night about a week later to find him lounging on my couch, and he smiled at me like I was the best damn thing he’d ever seen, well, it was a feeling I thought I could get used to.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first foray into 1st person writing in literally years, so I hope it turned out ok.  
> I got most (though not all) of the flower meanings from here if anyone's curious: http://www.languageofflowers.com/flowermeaning.htm
> 
> Huge thanks to aussie-bookworm and type_here for edits and feedback!


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